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      世界上有一個最合適自己的人是錯覺

      發布時間:2016-11-19 點擊:

      現代的愛情十分脆弱,愛侶動輒分手、離婚,說彼此“性格不合”。然而心理學專家指出,無論誰跟誰結成一對兒都是“性格不合”,卻總以為“世界上有一個最合適自己的人”,走不出這個天大的誤區,就葬送了多少好姻緣。幸福的恩愛夫妻并非天造地設、完美兼容,而是雙方準備好接受現實的考驗,懂得并且愿意看到對方合適的地方。

      “最適合的人”尋無覓處

      誰都不想和不合適的人結婚,人人都愿意擦亮眼睛、提著燈籠去找“合適”的人。美國堪薩斯大學咨詢心理學博士克里斯汀·埃梅尼克認為這是大錯特錯,“人人都有一個最適合自己的人”是不切實際的神話,是《睡美人》和《灰姑娘》看多了,結果必然是失望的,因為“根本就沒有相互合適的一對!”

      “適合”的誤區根深蒂固,原因是我們深深渴望只要找對了人,人生就一勞永逸了,因為“真愛能克服一切艱難險阻”。然而殘酷的現實是,世界上沒有兩個人是完全相同的,人人都有著不同的性格與興趣愛好。對于愛侶而言,即使性格與興趣愛好完全一致,對事情總是有著同樣的反應,又同時投入相同的愛好,這樣的兩個人在一起就合適了嗎?

      每一對愛侶都性格不合,很多人以此為由終結戀愛:

      “我不再愛他了!

      “我受不了她了!

      “我們想要的生活不一樣!

      進而發生種種破壞關系的行為,例如,抱怨對方讓自己幻想破滅,要求對方改變來適應自己,甚至出軌尋覓“真正合適的人”。無怪乎眼下離婚率居高不下,例如,美國40%~50%的初婚、60%以上的二婚以離婚告終。

      婚前爭吵是一件好事

      在相愛的最初,墜入愛河的愛侶就像是在夢幻中 ,感覺彼此是“完美配對”,總是強調彼此有許多共同點,盡量縮小分歧,有意無意過濾掉不和諧的東西。但是,幻想終歸要回歸現實,愛侶要接受現實的考驗。這個階段的愛侶開始出現爭吵,被視為“性格不合”的標志。

      美國佛羅里達大學咨詢心理學博士肖恩納·史賓格稱,不同的夫妻在結婚頭兩年有著不同的體驗,有的人新婚燕爾,有的人關系緊張。對于后者,她估計是在“夢幻期”就匆匆結婚,彼此的分歧未充分暴露,注定要在婚后才出現嚴重的幻滅,關系陷入緊張與混亂。

      考慮全面的愛侶不會那么沖動,婚前充分了解對方是什么人。史賓格建議戀愛期不能太短,讓彼此有機會經歷一些風雨才走進婚姻。她指出,男女的性格、觀念、核心價值、人生目標的差異在爭吵中能清晰顯現,讓雙方有機會判斷哪些分歧是可以在長期共同生活中容忍的,哪些分歧是忍無可忍,導致“交易失敗”的。只有吵起來,你們才能知道自己能不能:

      控制并化解自己的消極情緒;

      在意見分歧時理解對方的想法;

      在激烈爭吵時給予對方基本的尊重;

      爭吵過后進行反思,修復和加強聯系。

      多想想對方“合適”的地方

      盡管感情關系很復雜,每對愛侶的情況都不同,而少數愛侶的確不應該繼續在一起。但美國情感專家、醫學博士歷克斯·利克曼認為,愛侶變心、分手的重要原因是,一方或雙方無法再容忍彼此的“性格不合”。其實,在感情萌芽時雙方都不是瞎子,早就看到彼此不合適的地方,但認為僅僅是“個人差異”,時間長了,對這些差異的忍耐能力逐漸喪失。

      利克曼指出,這是人類基本的心理偏差——損失厭惡使然。愛侶分手,根本原因是人類進化的結果,令我們對痛苦比快樂更在乎。試想一下戀人的優點以及為你做的好事,你會發現其實不少,但平時你不會主動意識到;在另一面,你毫不費勁地就能記得伴侶的不好,他或她惹惱你、讓你失望的時候。

      感情關系中有好事也有壞事,而我們在關系中時時刻刻更關注的是痛苦。從進化上看,這也許會讓我們獲得生存優勢,但也會讓愛情難以長久。因此,利克曼認為愛情是需要雙方努力不懈的。這意味著要委屈自己,忍受不適來包容、忽略、化解相處中的不愉快。很多人無法堅持,也許是實在太難受了,上述努力與自己的“基因設定”發生了直接沖突。

      然而人是萬物之靈,不會輕易向基因屈服。利克曼稱,讓愛情持續是有技巧的。既然你無法不讓自己關注壞事,那么就順其自然,轉而有意把注意力引導到好事上:每當你被對方惹惱,就承認這種感覺是有理由的,然后想想你喜歡對方的地方。你不求好事能夠抵消壞事,也不要指望好事能消除不好的感覺。

      也許,最后你仍然認為彼此“性格不合”而分開。即便如此,你已經不是被動地讓痛苦牽著鼻子走。你努力了,也許對方真的不夠好。

      性格兼容的7項檢測

      如果你堅持要找“對”、“合適”的人長相廝守,可以參考美國人際交流專家普雷斯頓·倪(音譯)的建議,以誠實、開明和學習的態度進行以下7項“兼容性”檢測:

      ★之一:你信任對方嗎?你又值得對方信任嗎?

      評估的時候不能想當然,要以事實為依據,收集全面的信息。

      ★之二:你們的親密度高嗎?

      親密包括4個方面:身體接觸、情感共鳴、智慧交流、活動分享。雙方分別在每一個方面選擇“必須有”、“應該有”、“可以有”——雙方都選“必須有”的方面越多,親密度就越高。

      ★之三:對方令你展現出人性的哪一面?

      在不同的朋友面前,你會有不同的表現:在有的人面前你很拘謹,在有的人面前你很放肆;對有的人你比較能容忍,對有的人你愛與之爭論。在你的另一半面前,你展現出自己好的一面還是壞的一面?你喜歡那樣的自己嗎?

      ★之四:彼此交流讓你振奮還是沮喪?

      研究發現,離婚的最重要的信號是一方或雙方表現出輕蔑的態度。輕蔑是尊重的反義詞,是對別人發出的負面評價、批評和諷刺。良好的溝通是“對事不對人”,而不是搞人身攻擊。

      ★之五:你們如何處理沖突?

      處理沖突能力弱的愛侶容易發生爭吵,或者對無法解決的分歧避而不談,有的愛侶甚至相互懷恨在心,長年累月貌合神離;ハ噙m合的愛侶即使在發火的時候仍不失親密,事情解決之后能夠相互原諒,不耿耿于懷。

      ★之六:你們如何面對逆境與危機?

      這是對愛情的真正考驗,那時你們能否支持對方?逆境和危機是讓你們更加齊心,還是令你們變得疏遠?

      ★之七:你們的理財觀念合適嗎?

      大量研究證實,在理財觀念上出現分歧是婚姻出問題乃至離婚的主要原因之一,每周出現一次財務分歧的夫妻比很少這樣的夫妻在離婚可能性上高30%。理財觀念的分歧在愛情發展的早期就會出現,例如:約會誰來買單?對方會欣然接受“禮輕情義重”的禮物嗎,還是對你沒有下“本錢”感到失望?此外,對方對現有的物質條件滿意嗎,還是沒有饜足?婚姻的真相是,世界上沒有最適合你的人。又言:“不是冤家不聚頭!被橐鲆埠,任何人情世故也罷,得過且過吧。其實,當我們真正放下對自己的種種執著,才會認識到:在這世上,我一人獨大,不用任何人分擔我的能所,而我卻可與其平靜相依,各自歸命。

       
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